Water Your Garden

Lately, people have asked me about the impact that having a baby has on a marriage. John and I have an extremely solid relationship. We always have. That being said, having a baby - particularly a very active and curious baby - can be taxing on a marriage. A good friend of mine, and father to a 2 1/2 year old boy, recently told me that his wife is ready for baby #2. He told her that he didn’t know if their marriage could handle another baby. While to some that may seem like a harsh and unexpected slap in the face, you must admire the honesty in his statement.

John and I have always treated our relationship like a garden. Just as a growing plot needs water, sun and constant pruning and attention to thrive, a relationship needs love, compromise and constant evaluation in order to flourish. Over this first year with Jack, we have had our moments. And while they are few and far between, those moments are weighted with lead. Under no circumstances do we ever take our frustrations out on Jack. Therefore, and unfortunately, it is each other that receives the brunt of the other’s irritation. That being said, we have learned that our garden has now expanded and consequentially, needs even more care and consideration. Here are my two cents on keeping a healthy relationship with your spouse while raising a child.

Remember each other as you were pre-baby.
Remember the person you fell in love with; that humorous, adventuresome, handsome, intelligent, thoughtful, soulful person. In the blur of parenthood, these attributes may be shielded by a screen of new priorities. But that person you fell in love with is still there and it crucial to rediscover one another on an ongoing basis.

Take time for yourself.
It is imperative to take time out for yourself! Take time to simply do whatever it is that brings you joy: take a bath, exercise, cook, read, go out with friends. You will be a better mother and wife if you do so.

Take time for just the two of you.
Establish a date night once a month or even once a week if you can swing it. While the conversation will naturally turn to the kids at some point, try to steer it back to non-baby/child topics. Discuss future vacation plans, pretend you just won the lottery and discuss what you’ll do first, talk about sports/politics/the weather. Engaging in intimate conversation with your spouse is a powerful bonding exercise and will help you revive your relationship as partners and not just parents.

Communicate.
Correspondence with your spouse should be one of your top priorities as a parent. Not only will it make the path ahead much easier if you are both on the same page, but it is healthy for children to grow up in a family that speaks openly and honestly.

Say “thank you”.
I always say that being a mommy is simultaneously the most difficult and rewarding job I’ve ever had. While I wouldn’t trade my “job” for all of the money in the world, it is nice to know that you are appreciated. Jack thanks me daily in the form of giggles, kisses and sweet hugs. And John thanks me, as well. He expresses his gratitude and compliments my mothering style on a regular basis. In turn, I verbally thank him for his hard work, determination and future-focused planning so I am able to stay home with Jack. We don’t feel obligated to thank one another. Deep down, we just both feel very fortunate to be where we are in life and we know we wouldn’t be there without each other.